before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
