I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i think im in europe. pls send help
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
