I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The feeling are messing with the penis
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
