Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is Oprah even human
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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