remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
