I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
either way he was missing a nipple.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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