I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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