i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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