I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
