The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
