hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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