Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
