just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
