Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
