She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
