He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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