my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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