im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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