I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
