the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
