Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
