at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
