this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
