My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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