I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
