you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
