dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
