You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
