You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
