He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
