oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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