nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You have to summon your inner elephant
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
