we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
