Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
