my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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