Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
