I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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