After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
