Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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