Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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