Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
she told me i tasted like america
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
