Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
