okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
