I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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