he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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