Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
