When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
