if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
