TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
