from now on my penis is your penis
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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