if you like me you must not know who I am
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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