My nipple is on Facebook.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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